TWO years ago I got into a relationship with a guy from my tuition centre. I thought he was unbelievably hot, but my friends didn’t think so. I ignored them and added him on Facebook.

We chatted frequently, almost everyday, actually. I found out that he had a girlfriend who was my junior in school. I was a little heartbroken by that, but I decided to befriend his girlfriend, without telling her that I knew him.

At the same time, I kept in touch with my crush and talked to him about everything, even though he has only told me very little about himself. I started to fall for him, but I didn’t tell anyone about it.

A couple of months later, he broke up with his girlfriend. I was glad to hear the news but of course I pretended that it didn’t really affect me. One day, while we were chatting, he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. I said yes a few days later.

Unfortunately, our relationship only lasted for about a week. I realised that I barely knew him at all; he was not opening up to me and was also quite full of himself.

I consulted my best friend about what to do and she told me to break up with him. At the time I couldn’t do it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

One day, he sent me a message saying that he wanted to break up. I replied almost immediately saying that I was also thinking about the same thing! We ended our relationship with the promise that we would still be friends. He did not keep his promise.

Instead, he started chatting up one of my friends. I was OK with it at first, telling myself that I had moved on.

But as the days went by and they became really close, I got jealous. My best friend said I should ignore it but I couldn’t, it really bothered me.

My ex-boyfriend and I still go to the same tuition centre, but now he pretends that he doesn’t even know me. It is really offensive and hurtful.

I have been trying to forget him but I just cannot do it. I can’t ask my parents for help because they did not know that I went out with the guy.

I tell myself that what we had was just a mistake but I still cannot let go. I check his Facebook page like a stalker, it’s really driving me insane. I have even started to hurt myself every time I think of him.

I just want us to be friends again, is that too much to ask?

I have not gotten involved with anyone new since the breakup because I don’t want my heart to be broken again. How do I move on? — Lost

Just let it go

In times of conflict with other people, our ego and feelings can become very much intertwined and difficult to extricate from each other.

Right now, separating your bruised ego from your feelings is exactly what you need to do.

This guy isn’t a nice guy and you know it. But your ego is stopping you from letting him become insignificant in your life after the break up.

You want a break up, but you also want him to pine over you and not date or flirt with anyone else. Is that necessary? How does that make your life better? What will you gain from it besides some temporary ego-boosting?

You’re putting yourself through a lot of pain, when all the power to banish him into utter insignificance really lies with you.

Luckily for you, you have actually already “moved on” from him a long time ago. Recall that not one week into your relationship, you came to realise that there was a lack of a real connection between the two of your, and that you just didn’t like his attitude very much.

Your instincts saw him for the person that he really was, and he would eventually come to prove you right with his subsequent insensitive actions.
Trust those instincts, and realise that they actually make it a lot easier for you to forget about him.

A break up is a break up, and not staying friends sometimes makes it easier for both parties to start afresh. It may not be your choice, but it was his choice and that’s something you will have to deal with because you can’t control all (or any) of his decisions.

We all have to go through a few failed relationships before we find one that’s good. So don’t let this one bad relationship affect your positivity going into other relationships. There are plenty of good guys in the world, and this one shouldn’t stop you from finding them! — Su Ann

No need to be friends

You can tell by his behaviour that he’s not capable of being a friend. Think of what makes a good friendship, like openness, trust, and loyalty.

You haven’t seen this in him before, so there’s no need in straining yourselves to be friends.

Friendship is also something both sides have to want and clearly, he doesn’t feel the same way. Asking yourself why he doesn’t, or agonising about it isn’t going to help.

This experience teaches you a few things. Break-ups are difficult, but put things into perspective: You’ve tried to be with someone, and it didn’t work out this time. From the way you describe the guy, it’s a good thing it didn’t continue.

And if he can’t be mature and civil whenever you meet for tuition classes, then it’s a complete waste of time to be friends.

Understanding and accepting this is the first step to moving on.

Be the bigger person next time you meet him. Say hi – no need for anything more – and just focus on your studies. This is a chance to learn how to handle yourself in awkward situations.

Memories and jealousy can linger, but don’t let it control you. Be specific with what’s bothering you, and address it. For example, if his Facebook profile is bothering you, delete him.

Or, take a break from Facebook and spend your time doing something else. Develop new interests, and discover new things. If you do something you enjoy consistently, the bad times will fade and be replaced with something fresh and worthwhile.

Time is to be filled with things that make you smile, so put a stop to doing things that make you upset.

Give yourself a break before starting a new relationship. Develop yourself and practice the lessons learnt.

Hang out with friends. There’s no rush for the next relationship. And when you’re ready, understand that it’s impossible to avoid getting your heart broken.

Realise that all hearts are fragile and if yours break, it’s how you strengthen and become wiser that makes the pain worthwhile. — Rusyan