When I was working as a teacher in 2007, one of my favourite students, C, fell in love with me and started buying me gifts and sending me letters almost every day.

She kept doing this for two years, but I didn’t feel the same way for her because we are of the same gender and I already had a boyfriend, P.

But then in 2009 I had an argument with P. We had a small party with my friends where he got angry with me because I wouldn’t sleep with him. He wouldn’t talk to me even though I had to go to Germany for three months, and when I came back, I was shocked to find he was dating a new girl.

I spent a whole month trying to get over him, and C did a lot to help me. That’s when I fell in love with her. I thought it would be nice, since we would understand each other being both girls.

But then in October 2010, she told me she wanted to break-up, and that she had been seeing another guy for ten months.

I was really hurt, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her so I started to smoke and drink a lot, until my family had to step in. I’ve stopped smoking and drinking, but I can’t stop thinking about C. It’s been two years now.

How can I stop thinking about her? How can i stop loving her? How can I move on to live a normal life again? – Kux

Love yourself

Moving on from a loved on is never easy, but often we make it harder for ourselves by doing the wrong things to get over someone. It may seem cathartic to fall into the conventional “letting go” regimes such as drinking, smoking or saying nasty things about them to make ourselves feel better; but these things keep us feeling wronged, bitter and sorry for ourselves without addressing the real issue: that we need to pick ourselves back up instead of being reliant on other people and things to make us feel better.

You are finding it so difficult to move on from C because you are dependent on the idea that you need someone to be there for you. Being betrayed by P was painful, but you got over it fairly quickly because C was there to divert your attention and give you the love you needed. But now that she’s also gone, you are frantically searching for a replacement that can fill her shoes, be it in the form of drinking, smoking or thoughts of her.

What you need is to realize that you don’t need any of these things, because you don’t have to forget C, or to stop loving her. What you do need to do is love yourself first, and make peace with the idea that people come and go in our lives, and that people can sometimes hurt us. You can’t control what other people will do, but you can control how you choose to deal with it. Move on from C with grace and dignity, and learn how to protect yourself from similar situations in the future. But above all, believe in yourself and know that you are the best person to take care of yourself right now. – Su Ann

Talk it out

The reality of any relationship is that it may not last. It’s hard to fully realise that, but you must come to terms with what you’ve experienced. Don’t let one person destroy you – especially someone that has been dishonest.

Try to talk to her about this. Same sex relationships are taboo and maybe she was scared to tell you about it. Maybe there’s more to this than just a case of lying. Figure out what you both want. The outcome doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe once the hurt has healed, there’s a chance of friendship.

When you’ve resolved this, leave the episode behind. If you bring this sadness forward, you’ll end up ruining potential relationships in the future. So look at what’s happened in concrete terms – you’ve fallen for someone and it hasn’t worked out. It isn’t the end of the world. In fact, there are plenty of people to meet. And these people want to see the best of you and what you have to offer.

Your talents, your goodness and your smile. If you keep thinking about your past, then none of these things will shine.

Moving on requires strength and faith in tomorrow. Your future hasn’t ended because of what happened. Explore your talents. Learn something new. Concentrate on what makes you happy, and do lots of that. These are the things will help you get back on track. – Rusyan

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