My name is JC and I am a girl. I come from Cambodia but have been living in Malaysia for some time now.

When I first got here, I shared a room with P, who is also a girl. Soon after, I started to have romantic feelings towards P, even though we both have boyfriends.

I have told her how I felt and she reciprocated. However, we are afraid of telling our boyfriends about our relationship.

We don’t have the heart to break things off with our boyfriends because we don’t want to hurt their feelings. I have been with my boyfriend for two years now, and P has been with hers for quite a long time, too.

Whenever I am with my boyfriend I no longer feel any love towards him. Instead, I think about P all the time and miss her so much everytime we’re not together.

Am I a bad person for loving someone new? Is there a way for me to tell my boyfriend that I have fallen in love with P and that I want to break up with him, without hurting him too much? Or should I just continue seeing P and not tell my boyfriend about it?

I just want everyone to be happy, and not hurt anyone’s feelings. — JC

Confront your feelings

Our feelings for someone might change, and very often there is little that we can do to control those feelings. What we can control, however, is how much we do right by other people and treat others fairly, especially the ones whom we love.
Your relationship with your boyfriend has run its course and you now want to be with someone else whom you believe you love more.

If you were in your boyfriend’s shoes, what would you rather have be done to you? Would you rather live in ignorant bliss, as long as you had your girlfriend, who by this time is beginning to treat you differently? Or would you rather be broken up with respectfully and in as civil a manner as possible, so that you may move on with your own life too?

It is difficult to decide which is the more humane path of action, especially when we are deciding for someone else. But no matter which way you slice it, it is not fair to lead anyone on and make them believe that they are in an exclusive relationship when they are not.

You have good intentions in not wanting to hurt your boyfriend – but putting him through a long, cold relationship in which he doesn’t understand why you have become emotionally unavailable can be just as bad or worse than breaking up with him.

At this point, you have to confront your own actions and muster the courage to be honest with your boyfriend. He deserves the opportunity to know and to decide for himself if he wants to move on or fight for you.

Also, the relationship that you have with P sounds like it is making you very happy, so don’t complicate that any further by trying to conceal it behind messy lies and cover-ups, which eventually is what will happen if you are committed to two people at the same time. — Su Ann

Be honest

The hurt doubles when you stay in a relationship where you have no feelings for your partner. You feel imprisoned as you don’t love him, and your boyfriend is lied to as he is with someone whose heart is no longer there. Be honest to both you and your boyfriend, and call it off. The hurt from a breakup is far more honest and less painful than being in a relationship that is dishonest.

Pain from a breakup will sting, but both of you will get over it.

It’s impossible that you’ll resolve this with everyone happy and their feelings intact. In reality, there will always be winners and losers in relationships. What you need to focus on here is honesty – that you don’t feel the same, and that your boyfriend deserves to be with someone that wants to be with him.

Maturity will be needed on his part to understand that your heart’s not in it, and that it’s better to remain as friends. It’s good that you’re aware of his sensitivities surrounding the situation. Be gentle with his feelings, and be firm with your decision.

Emotions are tricky things. Examine your self first before you use the word love. It’s a heavy term that many people overuse. Are the feelings you have for P that deep? Only time will tell.

There are differences between crushes, chemistry, missing someone when they are gone, and love.

Enjoy the ride but be aware that feelings that last with someone can sustain all the different aspects of a relationship – the good and the bad. — Rusyan

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